torn apart.

I thought I was in pain before.

I was wrong.

I have never hurt like this before.

There's this searing pain in my chest. It's like I've been completely torn apart, inside and out.

One of my biggest fears came to life today.

I've always been afraid that I would never compare to my friends. I was afraid that now matter how hard I tried, people would pick my friends over me because they're prettier and smarter and more fun to be around.

I was right.

I knew from the second that Josh and Sharon started that it would be a problem.

Once they started talking, he stopped talking to me.

A month later I'm being dumped because he had fallen for someone else. I didn't think about it until now. It was her. I wasn't good enough so he moved on to my friend.

And he obviously cared a lot more about her than he ever did about me. He bitched and argued with me over it, something I know he would have never done for me.

The worst part? Even after this I still love him. He could do anything and everything to hurt me and I would still love him.

But I don't ever want to hear from him again. Or her.

I don't give a shit about either one of them right now.

I didn't need this. I didn't need another reason to add to the list.



I hate this. I hate all of it.

I'm depressed and alone and constantly angry.

I'm sick of faking happy for everyone.

I'm not happy.

You wouldn't be either if you were in this position.

My heart was ripped out of my chest by the one person who was supposed to love me. And I can't get over him. Being surrounded by couples and happiness doesn't really help me feel any better. I'm also sick of people saying "everything will be okay" and "you'll get over it in time". Oh and my personal favorite: "he just didn't realize what he had". That's a bunch of bullshit. Nothing will be okay. I won't get over it. And He didn't really have anything. I'm a terrible catch. If anything, he realized who he was dating and wanted out as fast as possible.

Since I don't go to regular school, I'm stuck in my house 6 out of 7 days a week. To some people that just sounds boring. For me it's worse. There isn't one person in this house who wants me around. And none of them really care about me. All I get to hear all day long is how much of a screw up I am and how I'll never amount to anything. Then my mother and grandmother gang up on me and tell me how fat and ugly I am and that Josh would have stayed with me if I had been pretty, skinny, and feminine. Then of course there are the days that my family decides to criticize my friends. That's something I can not stand. My friends are my real family. I don't particularly like when they are insulted. Then there are the days that I get told I should just go kill myself already and get it over with.

So no. I'm not happy. And I'm not okay.

I'm slowly going insane. And the one person who could help me fucked me over.

I have an awful feeling I'm going to end up in Lakeside.